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Scripts For Sale

"West of West Point"

by John Burkhart

An Excerpt:


BOB: Let me get a closer look atcha, Forgot my durn glasses. (As he moves closer to them, he stumbles Across some of the files strewn on the floor.) What in tarnation! Did you folks make this mess?

BILL: Oh no, sheriff. We found it this way when we arrived just a few minutes ago.
SALLY: That’s right sheriff. It was already messed up.
BOB: Well, if’n you didn’t do it, who in tarnation did?
BILL: As we were about to enter, a tall, dark stranger brushed pass us. It must have been him.
BOB: Hmmm. Let’s see now. (He consults notebook.) Oh yeah. Do you have a decoration?
SALLY: A what?
BOB: A decoration, dagnabbit! You know, whut he looked like!
BILL: Oh! You mean a description. No. we didn’t get a good look at him, right Sally?
SALLY: Oh! Right! He was too bundled up to get a good look at him.
BOB: (Consulting notebook.) Let’s see now. Oh…all right. Don’t leave town.
BILL: Why not?
BOB: Because it says so in this here book. “Sheriff’s guide to a peaceful settlement” Got it from John Neligh. He and Kitty are a teachin’ me to read it. We’re at chapter two, “Invigoratin’ crimes”.
(There is a loud commotion outside, then BETTY, closely followed by SUSIE and POLLY enter.)
BETTY: Tarnation! Why can’t you two nosy old busybodies leave me alone?
SUSIE: Because you need salvation, Betty Buzzardbreath!
POLLY: That’s right sister Susie!
BETTY: (Drawing her pistol.) Waal, I’m a thinkin’ you two need ventilation.
SUSIE: You don’t frighten us Buzzardbreath!
POLLY: (Hiding behind SUSIE) That’s right, we’re not scared of the likes of you!
BETTY: Good! We’ll jest put that on your tombstones. “Here lies Polly Persimmon and her mangy friend Susie Salvation. Thay wusn’t skeered” (She closes one eye and takes aim.)
BOB: (Pulling his revolver from his holster.) Hold on there! If’n thares any shootin’ going on around here, I’m the one doin’ it!
BETTY: Well, well, if’n it ain’t ol’ Bob Jones! Ain’t seen you in a month o’ Sundays!
BOB: (Talking to SUSIE instead of BETTY.) It’s newly elected sheriff of Cuming county Pawnee Bob Jones to you, sister!
BETTY: Still blind as a bat, aintcha? You know instead of callin’ yourself Pawnee Bob, you should change it to blind Bob. Now, move out of my way so’s I can get a bead on those two meddlesome female varmints!
BOB: I’ll be givin’ the orders around here, since I’m the newly elected sheriff of Cuming County Pawnee Bob Jones! Now put away that thar shootin’ arn!
BETTY: Sposin’ I don’t! You can’t see enough to shoot at me anyway!
BOB: Yeah, but I can hear a snake blink at 100 paces, so’s you better do like I says! Or else!