Scripts For Sale
"Three Tickets To Timberwolf
by D. Chapelle
MA. (Enters singing and carrying a large stack of bills.) The old gray mare she ain’t what she ... (Speaking.) Aw, who are we kiddin’ here? I’m better than I ever was and as good as I’m ever gonna be! (She cackles gleefully.)
MERRY. (Entering.) Mother!
MA. What! Oh, it’s you. Don’t you know better than to sneak up on old folks like that?
MERRY. Sorry, Mother. You’ve been going over the accounts all morning. I was wondering if our struggling little theater will survive to produce yet another wonderfully up-lifting production to culturally enrich the dreary lives of the denizens of the plains?
MA. Come again, daughter?
MERRY. (Aside.) Poor Mother doesn’t hear as well as she once did. (Loud and slow.) I asked you if we would be able to ...
MA. (Yelling.) I heard what ya said! I just can’t understand what ya said. (Normal voice.) I just can’t understand what ya said.
MERRY. I asked you if we’ve sufficient funds to do shows once we’ve finished our resettlement here in Timber Wolf.
MA. If you wanted ta ask me the question why didn’t you just ask?
MERRY. I thought I did.
MA. (Aside.) Pretty house. Nobody home. (To Merry.) Well, to answer the question ya almost asked ... Well, things look dark, Merry. Things look mighty dark.
MERRY. It’s night, silly, of course they look dark.
MA. (Aside.) Sometimes it just hurts to talk to her. (To Merry.) Movin’ on ... we got eastern investors trying to buy us out before we even get opened up.
MERRY. Who would do such a thing?
MA. Some foul varmint name of Lucifer K. Bogus. He’s been sendin’ letters and threats to get his hands on this place since we got here. Plus them fellas doing’ the remodeling and rebuilding on this place are draggin’ things out and ...
MERRY. If they’re remodeling you’d expect them to have to drag a few things out.
MA. It’s a wonder you can walk and breathe at the same time. I mean they’re draggin’ out the puttin’ in of new things, and fixtures, and such.
MERRY. Mother, how can they put something in and drag it out at the same time?
MA. Focus Merry! We got every cent of our savings in this place and it looks like we might have ta close before we even open.
MERRY. If we aren’t open ... how can we close?
MA. (Ready to blow.) I guess we’re just ... that ... lucky! Aw, Merry, who am I kiddin’? I never should have drug us out ta the middle of nowhere. It just ain’t been the same without your poor, dear old, Daddy around.
MERRY. Mother! We must persevere Mother. Father would have wanted it to be so. We owe it to the memory of your husband, and my father. We owe it to the denizens of this scenic, albeit, imaginatively backward land.
MA. Sometimes I wonder which of you two girls cause me more grief. You, and your fancy words, or that no good, no ‘count twin sister of yours?
MERRY. How can you say such a thing about my poor sister?
MA. Read my lips, daughter! She’s no good! Know’d right from the minute she was born she was no good.
MERRY. But she was just a little baby.
MA. She spit in the doctors face when he swatted her bottom! You mark my words daughter, good is good and bad is bad, and your sister is bad to the bone.
MERRY. Misguided perhaps, but I admire my sister.
MA. She sells her body for profit, and you say you admire her?
MERRY. Mother, it’s for her art.
MA. Her art is dancin’ the Can-Can!
MERRY. And she does send us part of her Can-Can money, Mother.
MA. It’s dirty money!
MERRY. Not after I wash it, and hang it out to dry.
MA. I just wish she could dance that Can-Can without showing off her can.
MERRY. Joy is my sister, and your daughter, so we must love her and do our utmost to guide her to the light of niceness and goodness.
MA. Well, no matter what we do it don’t look like it’s gonna be enough ta save our dream.
MERRY. Things can’t be that dark, Mother.
MA. They can’t? To cut a long story short, daughter, things is darker than a well- digger’s ...
MERRY. Mother!!! Family show!
MA. Lunch bucket! I was gonna say ‘darker than a well-digger’s lunch bucket. Anyway, we got a stack of bills here that makes the national debt look like milk money. Lookie here ... (She holds up the large stack of bills.) Here’s a bill from the Timber Wolf town council for our business permit. Here’s a permit permittin’ us to have a permit. And then there’s bills for buildin’ supplies, and bills for fixtures, and ... And it this don’t beat all ... We got a bill from the varmint makin’ out the bills!
MERRY. Dearest Mother, I am sure that even at this dark juncture we shall endeavor to over come all adversities before us in order to actualize our dreams.
MA. (Aside.) Sounds like she swallowed a dictionary and washed down with a thesaurus. (To Merry.) Maybe if that boyfriend writer of yours wrote a really good comedy we might be able to get out of this mess.
MERRY. Mother! How can you talk like that?
MA. I pretty much just flap my gums and the words come out.
MERRY. How can you suggest there is more than a professional relationship between myself and Simon Neil. We ... we are merely colleagues and co-workers.
MA. Okay ... you keep lying like that to your Momma and your nose is gonna fall off.