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"Stop Thief"

by D. Chapelle

Some Excerpts:  

AGNES: I also know how much you miss Ned.

TESS: Does it show that much, Mrs. Strong?

AGNES: I'm afraid it does, dear. A mother knows these things. Come sit with me for a moment, Tess. (They sit on the couch.) I know you've been helping me out around the house only because it make you feel closer to Ned.

TESS: It takes my mind off how much I miss him.

AGNES: I know, dear.

TESS: He's been gone so long.

AGNES: It has been almost a month.

TESS: Twenty-seven days, fourteen hours, and three minutes.

AGNES: But who's counting?

TESS: Do you think Ned feels for me what I feel for him?

AGNES: I'm sure that you know in your heart what.... (Her words are cut off by the sudden appearance of Fay. Her outburst frightens the wits out of Agnes and Tess.)

FAY: Stop thief! Stop in your tracks I say!

TESS: Aunt Fay, what are you doing here?

FAY: Stopping in to see my oldest and dearest friend, and to find out what's become of my niece. My niece who should be home this very minute preparing our supper.

TESS: I was just leaving, Aunt Fay.

AGNES: Fay, dear, why did you just try to scare ten years off our lives?

FAY: Oh, that. Well, as you know my club, the Ladies of the Prairie, are doing a benefit show to raise money for the new playground.

TESS: And Aunt Fay is the star.

FAY: (Embarrassed.) Oh, I wouldn't say I was the star.

TESS: That's what you told me to say.

FAY: Yes, well, it's a wonderful story. You see a good and hard working family have saved to send their only son to a good school. But, then you see, a vile thief come to steal the money and....

TESS: And Aunt Fay stops him by talking him to death.

FAY: I convinced him of the evil of his ways.

AGNES: It sounds....it sounds like nothing I've ever seen before.

TESS: (Quietly to Agnes.) Or hope to see again. (Agnes and Tess have a giggle at the joke.)


NEWT: Tess, how nice to see you. You know I was just saying to your aunt I don't see nearly enough of you.

AGNES: But you see her every day, Newt.

FAY: (Bursting in.) Stop thief!

NEWT: (Jumping and raising his hands.) I didn't do it! It's merely a clerical error!

CLYDE: Which should be explained any time now!

NEWT: Clyde!

FAY: Tess, come along!

TESS: (To Agnes.) Mrs. Strong, please be careful what you say to...to everyone. I'm not sure who can be trusted any more.

FAY: Tess, my supper is getting cold!

AGNES: I'll be careful.

TESS: (Exiting.) Coming, Aunt Fay.

AGNES: Newt, it's time you came into supper also. And perhaps Mr. Wooden might also join us.

NEWT: Mother, Clyde is much too busy to join us for supper, aren't you Clyde?

CLYDE: Clyde is much too busy to join us for supper.

NEWT: There you are! Now, be a good girl and start without me. I'll join you as soon as I finish a little business with Clyde.

AGNES: As you wish, but please don't take too long. Mr. Wooden, do please try to get some rest. (Agnes exits.)

CLYDE: (Moving to exit.) Must rest. Must sleep.

NEWT: (Stopping Clyde.) Clyde! Clyde my friend, there is no rest for the wicked.

CLYDE: You must get less sleep than I do.

NEWT: Your orders for tonight, are to search my mother's room. Search her drawers...

CLYDE: (Exiting towards dining room.) Must search Mother's drawers....must search Mother's drawers...

NEWT: Be neat about the job. I don't wish to tip my.... (Agnes screams off - stage and then leads Clyde in by his ear lobe.)

AGNES: Newt dear, I think you'd best speak to Mr. Wooden!

NEWT: (Taking Clyde to the side.) What do you think you were doing?

CLYDE: Searching Mother's drawers.


NED: (Aside.) Why is it I don't really believe him? (To Newt.) That's great, brother. It would just kill mother to know one of her sons was a scoundrel)

NEWT: That's what I was counting on. As a matter of fact, to prove myself, I'm making good on the money I...I...

NED: Stole from the bank?

NEWT: Borrowed! (He hands over the $10,000 he has stolen the night before.) It's only $10,000, but it is a start.

NED: It's a wonderful start! It truly is, but where did the money come from?

NEWT: Brother! You wound me deeply.

NED: Newt, you do have the reputation of being a liar, cheat, con artist, thief, scoundrel...

NEWT: All right! I think I get the idea! The thing is I've changed. I've seen the error of my ways. I'm doing everything I can to be an upright citizen, and a credit to the community.

NED: How did you get the money?

NEWT: I worked for it.

NED: You did?

>NEWT: Of course I did. Good, simple, and honest work.

NED: But how did you make so much so fast?

NEWT: Overtime?.

NED: (Choked up.) I...I don't know what to say.

NEWT: Welcome me back to our honest family as I welcome you back to our home.

NED: Brother! (He embraces Newt.)

NEWT: (Making a stabbing motion toward Ned's back.) Brother. (Breaking away.) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to...to...what's that word?

NED: Work?

NEWT: That's it! I have to get back to work. (Aside) Which happens to be my plans for my brother's destruction, and the financial ruin of the town. (To Ned.) Say "hi" to mom for me! (He exits laughing.)