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Scripts For Sale

"A Schemer Comes to Beemer"

by John Burkhart

An Excerpt:

SHYSTER: Excuse me. I am looking for a Mister Beemer.

ALLAN: I am Allen Beemer.

SHYSTER: (SHYSTER proffers a soiled business card, allows ALLEN to glance at it and quickly returns it to his breast pocket.) This is my...sister, Miss Jane Doe.

BUBBLES: Charmed, I'm sure. And who is this handsome fellow?

ALLEN: Allow me to introduce my associate, Mr. George Canfield.

GEORGE: (Nodding.) Mr. Doe, Miss Doe.

BUBBLES: And it IS Miss, Mister Canfield. Are you married? Engaged? Seeing anyone?

SHYSTER: (Under his breath, stage whisper.) Later, Bubbles. Wait for my signal. (To Allen.) The reason for our visit is that we were told that you were in the process of establishing a township here.

ALLEN: That is correct. George and I were just in the process of completing our application. Here is a preliminary map of the township.

SHYSTER: Then its indeed fortunate that we arrived when we did. You see, Im here to discuss the possibility of opening a bank in Rock Creek.

BUBBLES: And Im interested in opening a saloon.

ALLEN: We always welcome new people to our settlement, but I think you ought to know that Im planning to start a bank here as well.

GEORGE: Ive never heard of a lady running a saloon. And a resident here named Dan Murray already has plans to build a saloon.

BUBBLES: Did I say saloon? I meant to say, that is, I was. I mean...

SHYSTER: My sister is a little confused. She meant to say Salon. She is thinking about opening a womans dressmaking shop. Named the Sewing Salon, right Jane?

BUBBLES: RIGHT! Thats what I meant, the Sewing Salon, John.

SHYSTER: As for the bank, we welcome the competition, Mister Beemer. Now, where can we purchase plots for our business locations? We will require choice spots in the center of town.

George: As Allen stated, we are in the process of applying to the territorial government for a township. As soon as the application is approved, we will be in a position to start selling land plots for the township.

SHYSTER: How disappointing! Could we at least place the locations on your plan map?

ALLEN: I don't see why not. (Looking at the map on his desk.) How about these two plats?

SHYSTER: Those look fine. As for now, we are camping about a quarter mile upstream on the river. Ill check back in a few days to see how the approval is progressing.

GEORGE: We are anticipating the approval will take about a month.

SHYSTER: That long? Well, in the meantime, we can start collecting deposits.

ALLEN: Isn't that a bit premature? After all, we may not receive approval, and then you would have to refund the money to the depositors.

SHYSTER: Thats not a problem. In the interim, we will simply make the deposits in our main bank back east, by private dispatch rider.

GEORGE: Im afraid I didn't catch the name and location of your bank.

SHYSTER: (Aside.) He didn't catch it because I didn't throw it, the simpleton! (To GEORGE.) I apologize, Mister Canfield is it? Here is my card. (He proffers the card and withdraws it quickly and returns it to his pocket.)

GEORGE: First National Bank of the Prairie? Dont recall ever hearing of that bank. And your card didn't have the location.

SHYSTER: (Aside.) I have to start flashing that card quicker! (To others.) Our banks are well established in every major city back east. In fact, I'm accepting deposits on a limited basis, so if you wish to keep your money in a safe place, please feel free to contact me at any time.

BUBBLES: (Moving close to GEORGE.) I think it would be exciting to have your deposit in my brother's bank, handsome.

GEORGE: Well, I don't really know enough about your brother or his firm to think about depositing money in it.

BUBBLES: Does this mean you don't trust him?


SHYSTER: Trust and bank have the same meaning, Mister Canfield. But I am sure that in due time we will earn your confidence.

BUBBLES: (To GEORGE.) So, Handsome, since I'm new in town and need some male companionship, where do YOU live?

GEORGE: I live in a cabin right across the river with my wife.

BUBBLES: Oh, you're married? Well, you can't win them all.

SHYSTER: (Stage whisper to BUBBLES.) I told you to wait! (To others.) Well, good day to you, gentlemen. Im sure this is the beginning of a long and mutually prosperous business venture.

BUBBLES: (To GEORGE) I'm sure we will be seeing each other again, handsome.


ALLAN: Well, that was interesting!